


pretend you're mine

by dizzy



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, Happy Ending, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-17
Updated: 2019-05-17
Packaged: 2020-03-06 19:53:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,947
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18857971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dizzy/pseuds/dizzy
Summary: Dan and Phil have been casually hooking up every uni holiday and break for the past year, but Phil's home for the whole summer now and things feel a little different for Dan.





	pretend you're mine

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Yiffandquiff (princesslexi763)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/princesslexi763/gifts).



> thank you endlessly to waveydnp for all the beta reading and hand holding!

Dan's feet ache and his back is twinging after nine straight hours on his feet unloading stock and working the till.

He wants nothing more out of life than to teleport from Focus right in his bed. 

He looks at his phone; he has three texts from Phil that have all come in the past hour, all since the last time his manager told him off for having it out on the floor. 

Maybe not bed. Not his own bed at least. Maybe he's got somewhere nicer to teleport to. 

*

He's almost out the door when he hears someone shout his name. He half turns, reluctant to slow his escape. 

"Oi, Howell, slow down! My legs aren't as long as yours." One of his friends half-runs up. She's clutching a store branded bag in her hand, looking small and cute and put together. Dan is acutely aware that he showed up at work 20 minutes late after rolling right out of bed and is none of those things. "Did you get that Facebook message from Mike? We're all heading to his later. His mum's out of town for like the whole week, we can smash it and not even worry about getting told off tomorrow." 

Any other night and the idea of free booze and being able to crash wherever he passes out would be the most appealing offer he could imagine. 

"Can't," he says. "Phil's in town." 

She smirks. "Oh, is that still a thing?" 

Dan tries not to flush with the insinuation there. It’s not like it’s wrong, after all. "I guess." 

"Well.” She waits a few beats, like she’s trying to see if he’ll spill any more gossip. When he doesn’t, she continues, “You can bring him along if you want."

Dan shrugs. "Maybe." 

It's definitely a no. He hasn't seen Phil in almost three months. She probably knows that. His friends all talk too much. It’s fine when it’s about _other_ people. It’s weird and doesn’t feel good when it’s about him. 

“Fine,” she says, pouting playfully. She starts to walk in a different direction, toward the car park. When she's just far enough that he can still hear, she raises a hand and wiggles her fingers as she says, "Make good choices, Howell!" 

*

He does make good choices. 

He thinks, at least. He thinks Phil is the best choice. 

He's just not sure why _he's_ Phil's choice. 

Phil's like - older. Cooler. Already been to uni, not some gap year loser like Dan. He's got nice hair and a nice laugh and he's just like, really fucking nice, actually, in every way. Dan's thought that since Phil's family moved to Wokingham three years ago, to a house just down the street from Dan's grandmother. 

They'd become friends the summer Dan turned fifteen, when his parents holidayed in Mexico but didn't trust Dan to be on his own for two whole weeks. It was one of the best summers of Dan's life, because Phil was already eighteen but he hadn't known anyone in town and he and Dan spent hours and hours playing Mario Kart in Phil's family room and watching Ghibli movies. 

And then that summer had ended and Phil had gone off to uni and they didn't talk for ages. Dan had his mobile number but he'd only been fifteen and imposter syndrome doesn't take prisoners. 

Besides, the new school year brought with it new friends and drama projects and life felt like it moved fast. Letting Phil go hadn't really been that hard... the first time, at least. 

*

"Dan!" Phil always sounds so elated when he sees Dan. "I didn't know you were here!"

"Yeah, your mum let me in." He shoves his hands awkwardly in his pockets, then takes them back out again. 

Phil’s bedroom is same cornflower blue wallpaper it's been since that summer Phil's family moved in. Dan helped him pick it out. Phil had wanted something bolder and brighter but his mum made him tone it down since it wasn't going to be Phil's room all the time anyway. 

Phil's off the bed before Dan has to deliberate any more awkward gestures. Dan shouldn't be surprised. Phil always does this; jumps up and gives Dan the biggest hug. 

It used to feel sweet and reassuring. Now it feels like something else, something exciting and electric. They both hold a bit tighter now, press a bit closer. 

Phil hugs still the best thing in the world. That hasn't changed. 

Dan allows himself the luxury of drawing in a deep and ragged breath. Phil smells sharp and fresh and there's no comparison to make because Dan can't really remember how he smelled last time they saw each other but it doesn't have to be nostalgic to be nice. 

"I missed you," Phil says. 

He always does that, too. He makes Dan feel warm, makes him feel wanted. Phil doesn't hold back this kind of affection. 

"I missed you too," Dan says, voice shyer. 

Their eyes meet and Dan can feel the searching that takes place there. He gives Dan plenty of time to say if this isn't something he wants. 

But Dan wants it. He tilts his head and blinks his eyes and hopes that translates into the _please_ that he wants it to. His stomach feels about like it did the last time he rode one of the loopy roller coasters at Thorpe Park. 

When will this stop feeling like an out of body experience? 

Then Phil is kissing him, his fingers clenching eagerly into the sleeves of Dan's flannel shirt. Phil's kisses are wet and always a little too much pressure at first but he eases into it, mouth opening against Dan's and tongue searching out. 

Snogging after only two minutes. This might be a record. 

*

Phil's parents are home, so snog is all they do - but they still move to Phil's bed to do it. He turns his television on to a program they don't want to watch at all. 

The last time Phil came home was Mother's Day, but he was only home for a night and he spent that with his mum. Dan wouldn't have even seen him at all if not for Phil texting Dan that he should come to church so they could say hi. 

(Saying hi involved a handjob in the single bathroom stall of the church gymnasium, because Phil said that was probably not quite so holy as the toilets inside the actual church and therefore not quite as much of a sin. 

Dan thinks hell would probably be worth the look on Phil's face when he comes.)

In between kisses, with Phil's hand halfway up his shirt, Dan manages to ask, "Do you have any plans tonight?" 

Phil's texts had just told Dan that he was on his way, and that he was home. It feels good that Phil was eager enough to see him that he kept him so appraised, but Dan still isn't confident enough to just assume his time. 

"Nope," Phil answers, placing a soft kiss against Dan's bottom lip. Their faces are so close together that his features all seem a little blurry. "Do you?" 

Dan shakes his head. "Nope. Nothing going on." 

Phil's pleased little smile stabs right at Dan's soft, squishy heart. "Good. I get you all night, then." 

"What are you planning on doing with me?" Dan asks, shivering when Phil's hand starts to move across his skin again. 

Phil's fingers tug at a nipple as he kisses Dan's jaw. "Guess I'll have to think of something."

*

'Something' is a handjob that has Dan seeing stars, and then a return favor that Dan feels like is the clumsiest attempt on earth but that Phil doesn't seem to have any complaints over. 

They don't bother getting undressed. He’s saying for dinner, and they don't want to be caught with their pants down when Phil’s mum comes to say that the food is ready.. 

Maybe he’s just high on Phil and the orgasm but conversation around the table is pleasant and he doesn’t feel weird about it. The Lesters aren’t exactly second parents - because that’s be weird - but he does know them well and Phil's family just makes it hard for anyone to feel left out. 

*

After dinner they just watch television on Phil's bed, laughing and hanging out like they used to do. By the time he really wants to fool around some more, too many hours have passed and Phil looks sleepy beside him. 

He wants to ask Phil if he can stay the night, but the words feel heavy and childish on his tongue. Sleepovers were maybe alright when they were younger, but Dan's the same age now as Phil was when they met and three years seems like an awful lot of time to have grown out of things like asking parents for permission. 

Maybe it’s also that he always slept in the other bedroom, the one they keep for Phil’s older brother, and that’s not the bed Dan wants to be in now. If he can’t stay with Phil, why stay at all?

So when Phil starts to yawn Dan says, "Guess I'll head home." 

Phil pouts but he doesn't argue. He follows Dan out and down the stairs and then catches him by the coat rack, kissing him deep in the low light of the front hallway. 

It's late enough that Phil's parents are already in bed but the sense of being secretive, of getting away with something no one else can know about, heightens the charge of the moment. 

"How long are you here for?" Dan whispers, when they break away. _Will I get to see you again_ , he wants to add. 

Phil looks like he's going to say something, then ducks his head down and looks to the ground. When he looks back up his eyes fix on Dan's and he says, "The whole week." 

A week. Phil's not been home for that long a stretch since Christmas, but with all the family around they'd only managed to hook up a couple of times then. 

Maybe... 

"You should ring me," Dan says. "If you're bored, or like. Whatever."

Phil grins. "Oh, I definitely will." 

*

Phil's not the only boy Dan's ever kissed, but he was the first. 

It happened the summer after Phil's second year at uni, two weeks after Dan's seventeenth birthday. Phil was away part of that summer, lingering in York to see off his graduating uni mates and then with his family on a holiday to America. 

He'd only come back for the tail end of the summer, a three week stretch that Dan still remembers as the most confusing and tumultuous of his life so far. Phil looked at him like Dan was a brand new person and Dan learned that he could look right back. 

They fit a lot of firsts into that last week of summer and then fall came and life moved on again. 

* 

His closest friends have grown to realize the correlation between when Dan can't be bothered to make time for them, and when Phil is around. Maybe he should have played it down a little more to begin with. Maybe he shouldn't have bragged quite so much about the university guy who totally wanted him. 

But he was seventeen and it felt like an accomplishment. 

Now he's almost nineteen and he doesn't really know what it feels like anymore, except that it still feels good to wake up on a day he knows might contain some kind of new and exciting thing, to look at his phone and see a message from Phil saying to get his lazy ass up. 

He grins through the fog of sleep and rolls over, burying that smile in his pillow. 

*

Phil wants to see a movie. 

He's bored already, he says, because his mum and dad clearly don’t love him enough to even pay him attention.

If Dan were a pettier person, he'd play a comparison game. His own parents haven't asked him where he's going when he leaves the house at all this summer. 

(He ignores the fact that he'd probably hate it even more if they actually did.)

"So you want me to pay attention to you instead?" Dan mocks because he knows Phil will get it. 

"Yeah," Phil says. "Pleaaaaase." 

"Fine, we can go to the cinema. You're paying, though." Dan doesn't make all that much at Focus, and there's a new Guitar Hero game coming out that he wants. 

Phil agrees quickly enough. 

*

They trade sweet and salty kisses in the back row of the theater, because the movie is shit and neither of them are very good at keeping their hands off when they're together these days. 

*

After the film is a weird limbo of a moment. They hover along the pavement, because Phil doesn't seem like he's in a hurry and Dan just isn't ever sure where the line between friends hanging out and something-else ever is at any given moment. 

"I want a iced coffee," Phil announces, and that's that decision made. 

* 

They take their coffees back to Phil's house. 

There are no cars parked in the drive, so the coffees sit half-finished dripping condensation on Phil's desk while Dan drops to his knees in the middle of Phil's room.

It's freakish how much he likes having a cock in his mouth. He likes getting his hands on Phil's ass too, and the way Phil is so impatient he doesn't even get his pants shoved down past his thighs before he's whining at Dan to please, just, please, do something. 

He wonders briefly how many other boys get to see this, but the thought makes his stomach churn and he won't let that stupid greedy part of him ruin things. He closes his eyes and sucks hard and sloppy and loses himself in the sounds Phil makes. 

* 

Phil lays Dan out on the bed to return the favor. His hair tickles under Dan's belly button and his hands don't stop moving, roaming over Dan's hips and chest and arms the whole time his mouth works on Dan's dick. 

He's had two blowjobs from people who weren't Phil and neither of them can compare. He sinks his teeth into his bottom lip and clenches his whole body up, trying to use the tension to keep his orgasm at bay. 

Phil pops off and looks up at him, lips shiny wet. "My jaw kinda hurts." 

"Oh." Dan's disappointed and relieved at the same time, letting the air whoosh out of his lungs. The pleasure creeps back up on him fast and this - this is what he loves. He sinks his fingers into Phil's hair and stares up at the ceiling as he gives himself over to it. 

*

After sex with Phil is almost better than sex with Phil. 

He's just so - open. So warm and cuddly and it's basically the best thing in the world, to curl up with someone who just wants to hold him. 

"I'm going back to York with my dad on Friday," Phil says, after a long stretch of sleepy silence. 

"Oh." That weird crushing feeling settles over Dan's chest. He wants to fight it, to tell Phil not to go, but his mouth won't make the words. He'd probably just humiliate himself if he said it, anyway. 

Phil pauses for a long time, so long that Dan thinks he's done talking. Then he says: "To pick up the rest of my stuff." 

Dan sits up and stares at him. "What?" 

"I decided not to spend the summer at York this year." Phil sits up too, leaning back against his headboard. He's naked now, all pale and pretty and still a little rosy looking from the flush of an orgasm. "My final project isn't due until September, but it's not like I need to be there. The wifi's better here, and I'll have time to work on it." 

It sounds like Phil is trying to convince him of something, but he's not sure what. "Oh, that's - good, right?" 

"Is it?" Phil stares at him intensely. 

"I think it is," Dan says. He risks a smile. "Means I get to bother you all summer." 

Phil smiles back instantly, slumping back comfortably against the bed. "Dan, you're never bothering me." 

*

Walking back through his family home after coming back from a day with Phil feels weird. 

He feels like he's got 'just got off with a boy' tattooed across his forehead, but his mum and dad don't look at him any differently. His little brother is just as annoying as always. 

He used to think the things that set him apart were obvious. Now he knows that nothing is ever that obvious to other people because everyone is always in their own head, thinking about their own lives. 

No one can tell. 

Nothing is different. He's not that important.

So he trudges past them with a grumbled hello and heads up to his room. He's got a work shift he has to be up at eight for, which means he'll probably just play Halo until four. 

*

The idea of a whole stretch of summer with Phil feels scary. Good - but scary. 

For the almost two years that they've been hooking up, he's never seen Phil for more than a handful of days at a time. Spending time together always felt like something exciting, like stolen time. There's always been a countdown in Dan's head. 

Maybe there still is now. Dan's still going to uni in the fall, and Phil's still going - wherever it is Phil ends up going. Probably not here, though. Wokingham isn't home for Phil. He doesn't feel a loyalty to it. He's never even really stuck around Wokingham long enough at a time to really know a lot of people besides Dan. 

He comes to see his mum and dad, and that's about it. The rest of his time is spent traveling with hi parents - all their trips to America and Isle of Man, where his grandparents live - and back in Manchester staying with his old friends. 

His real friends. 

Dan desperately wants to know why Phil isn't with them now, but he's too afraid to ask.

*

Time feels loose and tight at the same time, like taffy pulled thin in the middle, stretched taut until it threatens to snap. 

Dan's going to snap. He's splayed out on Phil's bed with his feet planted on the duvet and Phil's hand slick with sickly sweet scented lube working him over and over and over. He can't believe he hasn't come already. It's sheer willpower and maybe the fact that he and Phil are fooling around like, every single day now, maybe it's actually helping his stamina. 

It doesn't help him not feel like a sweaty mess of trembling nerves and arousal, though. His cock is so hard it twitches with every heartbeat with Phil takes his hands away, flushed and heavy and deep pink at the tip. 

He feels like heat is radiating off of his body. Like if Phil touches with one single brush of his fingers he's going to explode into a million pieces. 

"Dan," Phil says, voice low and urgent. "Can I do something?" 

"What? Yeah, yes. What is it?" Dan mumbles. He's panting heavy and the moan that bursts out of him curls up from somewhere in his gut when he feels Phil's lube wet finger slide between the crease of his ass and press against his hole. 

"Just my finger," Phil says. "Please. I just want to feel you." 

Dan's done that before himself and he's never thought all that much of it, but everything is different and better when it's Phil doing it in the heat of a sweaty romp like this. 

"Yeah," Dan says, and then he sucks in air because he doesn't know what to expect but he doesn't think Phil will just - go for it. 

It doesn't hurt. It's a weird fullness, the feeling of something being where something isn't usually, but knowing it's Phil - inside of him - overrides the weirdness with a burning hot want. 

Phil keeps his other hand loose around Dan's cock, squeezing and steady in uneven intervals, lapses of stillness spanning an irregular number of seconds between. It's enough to distract and to appease the neediness there. 

Then Phil's finger brushes something inside of him and the pleasures hits in waves. Dan doesn't know what to make of it, where to chase the feeling from. 

"Is it good?" Phil asks, eyes locked on Dan's face. 

Dan nods frantically. He feels like he could cry, the way Phil's fingers are rubbing, rubbing, rubbing, the way he's holding Dan's cock. "I'm gonna come." 

It's different and more, intensity that burns deep instead of hot, and he thinks about what it'll feel like when Phil's cock is inside of him and he couldn't stop the orgasm if he tried. It spreads from somewhere deep in him and leaves him shaking and shocked and spurting a mess all over his stomach. 

But the best part is how Phil crawls up his body when he's done and cradles him and kisses his mouth like a benediction as he tells Dan how beautiful he is. 

*

"I hate the woods at night," Dan says, dragging his feet behind Phil once they get too close to the forest line. 

"Are you scared of the dark?" Phil asks. He sounds amused. "That's cute." 

"Shut up." Dan catches up just so he can shove at Phil. "I'm not cute. I'm manly and ferocious." 

Phil pokes his sides and Dan squeals. "So ferocious." 

"I hate you. See if I push you on the swings!" Dan stalks off ahead of Phil, but Phil covers the distance quickly and wraps his arms around Dan's middle from behind. 

Casual affection does something weird to Dan's heart. They're only three weeks into summer and he's not sure he's ever going to cope without this. 

Nope, he thinks immediately. Repress, repress, repress. He's still got a couple months left. 

"You have to push me," Phil whines, kissing Dan's neck. "That's what we're here for. Oh, we're already here!" 

The playground looks creepy at night, too. It's not somewhere Dan would choose to be alone, but Phil wanted out of of the house and Dan's only got so many suggestions for places to go that don't involve being around other people. 

Phil might not mind the people, but Dan's greedy with this time they've got. 

So he brought Phil here: the playground with clearly posted hours ending around dusk, but a gate that's far too easy to just push open anyway. It's a favorite drinking spot for teenagers who get their hands on alcohol but aren't old enough to have cars and actually go places. 

It's also apparently a favorite spot for twenty two year old guys whose faces light up when they see garishly painted swing sets. 

Dan stands back and watches Phil take off at a clumsy run. 

*

They stay at the park for an hour and a half, snogging by the slides and chasing each other through the jungle gyms that thankfully hold the weight of two lanky but oversized man-child shaped humans. 

By the time they end their game of impulsive tag, Dan's out of breath. They lay on their backs on the merry go round staring up at the stars. "I don't think I've come here and actually played since I was ten."

"It's sad how you stop playing when you get older, isn't it?" Phil asks. "Mostly my friends just want to drink or watch movies when we hang out. And I like those things a lot, but it's really nice to have someone that won't laugh at me when I want to do things like this." 

How is it possible that Phil can make him feel all these things in all these different ways? 

"It's fun," Dan agrees. "Lift your feet up." 

Phil pulls his feet onto the metal structure and then laughs when Dan digs his own into the sand underneath them and starts them spinning lazily. 

*

Dan's birthday falls in the middle of the week. 

There's nothing too special about nineteen, really. Not when he feels like his life is going nowhere and he’s not confident about anything in his future and all the people he used to count on to make his birthday fun are scattered throughout the country living totally different lives now. 

He works the morning at Focus and doesn't hear from Phil until late afternoon, when he gets a text. 

_you didn't say it was your birthday!!_

_you didn't ask_ , Dan responds. 

_are you busy?? are you at work_

_going to eat w/mum & dad 2nite, _ Dan types, then adds, _not busy now. y?_

Phil's response is brief and comes quickly: _ice cream!!_

*

Dan gets vanilla pecan with a fudge swirl and Phil gets something with chocolate in the name multiple times, and bits of marshmallow and toffee chips in it. 

It drips over their fingers in a way that makes Dan feel sticky all over. Phil doesn't seem to mind, though. He just licks his finger whenever a drop trickles down, and Dan has to try carefully not to pay attention to that. 

If he needs any potential boner-killers, he can just think ahead to the obligatory family dinner to come. His parents will probably be way too excited to talk about Dan starting university in the fall and that he decided to study law. 

His mum has already told him once that he should ask Phil for advice on living in Manchester, since Phil grew up so near to it. Dan doesn’t want to. Talking about it to anyone is like acknowledging that summer will come to an end at some point and that whole phase of his life will begin. 

Not only does he not feel prepared, he doesn’t feel excited. Manchester won out because it was the only unconditional offer he got, and law was an impulsive thing he blurted out to just so his dad would stop going on about how Dan had to make up his mind at some point. 

"I can't believe you didn't say!" Phil scolds him for at least the tenth time. "I don't even have you a present." 

That weird-good feeling settles back over him. They've never exchanged presents before, not for birthdays or even Christmas. What does it mean that Phil wants to do that now? Is he just being nice? "You don't have to get me anything." 

"But I want to!" Phil says. "I'm great at buying birthday gifts, all my friends say so." 

Friends. The weird-good wavers a little. 

Well, he tells himself as he goes for the ice cream again - there are worse things in the world than being Phil Lester's friend. 

*

"Mate." Lu walks right up to the counter at Focus and slams her small but effective palms down onto it. "Where the fuck are you? You're ghosting us, arsehole."

"I"m not ghosting you!" Dan protests, looking around to make sure the manager on duty won't catch him slagging off. He's not sure they'll buy that Lu is a particularly angry customer that Dan is calming down for a seventh time since he started. 

"You haven't come 'round to anyone's in like two weeks. I know you're not working that much, you lazy arse." 

"I've just been busy." Dan can feel his face redden with the utter transparency of that statement. 

Lu's eyebrows narrow. "Is Phil still around, or something? I thought he was more a dine and dash sort of bloke." 

"He's here all summer," Dan admits. "So yeah, I've been hanging out with him a lot." 

"Are you like, proper dating now?" She asks. 

Dan shuffles the advert papers he's got on the counter for reference when people want to question sales. "I don't know. No, like, not really. We haven't talked about it." 

"But you've been seeing him every day for two weeks?" 

"Mostly." There was that one day that Phil's aunt was in town and they didn't hang out. "He's just bored."

"Give your dick some more credit, mate." She snorts. "Why don't you bring him around, then? Andy's throwing a party tomorrow night." 

"Um." Dan falters. Phil's met some of his friends before, but only in passing and only because some of their parents all attend the same church that Phil's mum and Dan's grandma do. They all tend to get dragged in by their ears on the capitalistic-frenzy-masquerading-as-religion days. "Maybe." 

"Don't make me invite him myself," she threatens. 

Dan sees his manager coming back to the front of the store. He reaches out and snags a packet of gum from the snack display and slides it to her. "You have to buy this then go. I can't lose this job, too." 

Though, he hates himself for immediately thinking, if he did he'd have a lot more days free... 

But free doesn't mean much when he's skint. Lu swaps the gum out for a chocolate bar and then leaves him to his employment misery. 

*

"I'm bored," Phil whines. "Why is life so boring?" 

"I'm offended." Dan speaks without even opening his eyes. He'd been well on his way to a nice nap on Phil's bed. 

How is Phil's bed so much more comfortable than his own? 

"Not you." Phil reaches out and pats Dan's hip. "Just think we should go do something." 

It's not news to Dan that he's a freak because he has the capacity to spend like, every day of his life indoors without ever wanting to see other people. 

Besides Phil. Phil's his exception, apparently. 

"There's a party," Dan blurts out. 

"Oh?" 

"Yeah, it'll probably be lame." Dan scoffs immediately, regretting even bringing it up. 

"I like parties." Phil yawns. "When is it?" 

Dan hesitates this time. "Tonight. Like, now." 

"Oh!" Phil sits up. "We should go. We're not really doing anything here." 

"I'm not... I can't wear this." It's the first thing that comes to Dan's mind, so he says it. 

"Sure you can." Phil props himself up on his elbow and looks Dan up and down. "You look good, you know that." 

Dan snorts. "I look like a potato." 

Phil frowns. "Dan, you're hot, you know that."

Dan turns his head away and shrugs his shoulders. Maybe he's being a little pathetic, but it's hard to see himself like that sometimes. 

"Dan..." Phil whines and kisses his shoulder through Dan's t-shirt. "Come on. A party will cheer you up." 

Parties never actually cheer Dan up. He wishes he'd never opened his mouth. But Phil sounds excited now, so he grudgingly gets up. 

*

It's loud and crowded with too many familiar faces and Dan wished he'd had the forethought to suggest they get drunk before they even arrive. 

Everyone likes Phil. That's not shocking. He's older than most of them, by enough to be cool but not so much to be creepy, and he's just got the sort of friendliness about him that invites conversation. 

His jokes are kind of stupid and he knocks a drink over ten minutes in but he has everyone laughing and asking for stories about York that Phil is more than happy to share, enthusiastic hands flailing. 

Dan hates how sour he feels sitting back just watching, witnessing. He hates it so much that he can feel himself settling into that impulsively bratty side of himself, and that's what leads him to just get up and walk away. 

He finds a drink and a quiet corner of the kitchen and probably has too much too fast. He wants his head to spin. He wants to leave, but he won't leave Phil here alone, because underneath his attitude is the lurking fear that Phil might find someone better. 

There's nothing stopping him, really. He hasn't made any promises to Dan. Dan hasn't asked for any, either. 

He has no idea how many people Phil casually sees. He might have 'friends' just like Dan in York and Manchester and everywhere else. He might kiss boys in the beach in Florida or take walks to a playground at night on Isle of Man with someone who wants to hold his hand just like Dan does. 

It all just makes Dan feels so hopefully. He hates every stray invasive thought in his head. 

He finishes his drink in another long swallow and turns to make another. 

He's not expecting to see Andy standing there. It sends a little spike of something different through him, slithering past the part of his brain that doesn't want to think about anyone but Phil existing.

"Hey, Dan! You made it!" Andy is drunk and friendly, walking around the counter to pat Dan on the arm and then give him an awkward hug while still holding his drink out to the side. 

Dan allows it and awkwardly returns exactly two pats to Andy's back. 

He and Andy hooked up at a party just like this six months ago. They both agreed it wasn't anything. Andy thinks he likes girls, mostly, even though he said he had fun with Dan. 

Dan wasn't heartbroken. Andy doesn't make him feel any of the things Phil feels. But he still made Dan feel something and right now there's a traitorous part of him, that part that likes to light things on fire just to watch them burn, that wonders if maybe what he needs is to feel something besides the magnitude of what Phil evokes in him. 

Maybe he just needs to prove to himself that it's okay if Phil finds someone else, because Dan can find someone else too.

Then Phil walks in. He sees Dan and Andy standing there - and Dan's not sure what it is about the moment that's so transparent, but something is. Maybe, he'll think later, it was his own face that gave it away. Maybe he just looked too fucking guilty, not for any action he'd taken but for the thoughts in his head. 

But he's less confused about Phil's reaction, the frown that flickers over his face, the hesitation - the hurt. 

"Phil," Dan says, voice wavering slightly. 

"Oh, you're Phil!" Andy greets Phil with the same brightness. "You're the one stealing Danny away from us!" 

Phil smiles at that. He inches closer, around the counter to where Dan is standing. "Is that what I'm doing?" 

Dan feels weird and like he can't breathe at all as Phil's arm settles around him. 

He leans back into it. Fuck. He likes this a lot. 

Andy's looking between them, and he might be drunk but he's still clever enough to get the vibe of something going on. "Yeah, mate, but you know - as long as Dan's happy." 

"Is Dan happy?" Phil asks, voice so close to Dan's ear. 

Dan shivers. Phil's fingers are pushing underneath his t-shirt to rest low on his side, on bare skin. He feels fucking _giddy_. "Yeah." 

*

The party gets a whole lot better after that. 

Mostly because Phil doesn't stop touching him all night. Casual hands to Dan's shoulder, to the small of his back, whispers in his ear. 

Dan drinks more than he should, and the liquid courage leads him upstairs with Phil's hand grasped firmly in his own. 

"Have you done this before?" Phil asks between kisses. Dan's got him backed up against the closed door. They can still hear the music from downstairs. 

He has, actually, but he doesn't want to think about that so he just shrugs and says, "I want to suck you off." 

"No," Phil says, pushing back until Dan puts some space between them. He doesn't take his eyes off Dan as he drops to his knees. "I wanna." 

Oh. Well. 

Far be it from Dan to stop him. 

It's probably the sloppiest, shortest blowjob Dan's ever gotten but Phil doesn't look away from Dan as Dan comes into his mouth. The pulse of his cock on Phil's tongue and the dazed look in Phil's eyes, the way his pupils are blown and his lips around Dan's dick are so red - 

Dan feels lightheaded from the booze and the orgasm, but he still drops down to the floor and gets Phil's jeans open in record time. It doesn't long take for his touch to bring Phil off, and Dan kisses him through it. 

He's not coordinated enough to remember to grab toilet roll, so five minutes later he exits the bathroom pressed tight against Phil and hoping no one notices the stain on the thigh of his jeans. 

*

Dan sleeps in Phil's bed for the first time that night. 

He's too drunk to want to go back home and when Phil says, "You should stay," in a sweet, sleepy voice Dan can't resist. 

* 

"Excuse me, I think I need a hammer?" 

Dan's kneeling by an open box of shelving hinges that he's currently stocking, and the voice surprises him. He jerks upright and upsets the precarious balance he'd found, falling flat on his ass.

Phil immediately starts to laugh at him, and Dan does feel embarrassed but Phil also walks over and helps Dan up and then brushes what Dan hopes is imaginary dust off Dan's ass. 

"What are you even doing here?" 

"You've been working all day, and I was bored," Phil whines. He takes a step back, shoving his hands in his pockets and doing that weird thing with his fingers he does sometimes. 

"You're always bored," Dan points out. He needs to go back to his stocking before the manager materializes out of nowhere to tell him off for being lazy, but Phil is just - standing there. In Dan's store. Looking all cute and sheepish. 

"Well," Phil says. "Stop being so interesting and everything else won't be so boring without you." 

"Shut up," Dan mumbles, and turns around so Phil can't see the stupid grin on his face. 

"When are you off work?" Phil asks, because apparently he's not going away. 

Dan pulls his phone out and looks at the time. "Fuck, still got another hour." 

"Boo." Phil sulks. "Fine, I'll leave you to it." 

Surely Phil won't want to wait that long. Dan's already trying to think of whether it's too pathetic to say he'll go straight to Phil's when he's done, without even stopping off home to change out of his stupid work shirt and khakis. 

*

Phil's waiting outside the front door when Dan leaves Focus, and he has a coffee in either hand. 

"Here you go!" He says. "I guessed at what you wanted. Actually, I just ordered two things that I thought sounded good, then I had a taste of each one to see which was better." 

"And you kept the better one?" Dan grins and takes the drink. He's pretty sure it wouldn't matter what it was, it'd be the best coffee he's ever had just because it's associated with how he feels right now. 

"I thought you'd like the one that wasn't as sweet." Phil's eyebrows knit together in concern. "But if you hate it we can swap." 

"Nah, it's fine." Dan takes a drink. He tastes sugar and hazelnut. It's not something he'd pick out, but he doesn't mind it. "So what's up? Were you really bored enough to hang around here just for me?" 

"What do you mean, just for you?" Phil sounds offended, which doesn't make sense, because Dan was only talking about himself. 

Dan shrugs. "I dunno." 

"Well, yeah." Phil's smile is a little dimmer now and Dan hates that he did that. "Did you have plans or something? I can just like... go, or... whatever." 

"No," Dan says quickly. "No plans. Just - like, I keep thinking at some point, you're going to realize there are cooler people than me." 

"There's no one cooler than you." Phil doesn't really reach out to touch him, but he gives Dan a look that makes Dan think he might have wanted to. 

"What about your friends in Manchester?" Dan asks. He feels bold in a reckless way and this usually bites him in the ass. 

He starts to walk and Phil follows him. He doesn't even really know where he's going, but he never likes staying still for too long. 

"They're fine," Phil says. "But it's weird now, because most of them finished uni last year, or even the ones that stayed on for a third somehow managed to find like, actual jobs that want to hire them as soon as they're done. I went back there for a few days before I came here but it was just like... I don't know who most of them are anymore." 

As he listens Dan has one of those realizations that Phil is actually years older than him, but right alongside that awareness is a strong beat of empathy. He likes the idea that even though they've had different experiences, they're kind of in the same place. 

"I feel like that with my friends that already started uni," Dan says. "I took a gap year instead and spent the whole fucking thing working in a DIY store and being shouted at by my parents." 

"My parents don't shout but they do ask me like, every single day what I'm going to do with my life." Phil groans. "I hate it." 

"So basically you're here because I'm better than being nagged at by your parents?" Dan laughs. "I'll take it." 

"Shut up, stop that!" Phil does reach out this time, but to grab Dan's arm and shove it. "You always say such bad things about yourself. I'm here because I was laying at home thinking that my day would be better if I could see you. You've had work every day this week." 

"We still hung out some most of those days," Dan points out. 

"Yeah, but not enough." Phil pouts at him. "Plus my parents were home both nights you came over." 

They haven't had any real alone time since the party, since the morning Dan woke up with Phil's arms wrapped around him. 

Both of Phil's parents had been out. They'd had plenty of time that morning. Phil had used two fingers that time and Dan had seen stars. He might still be seeing them. "Are they home right now?" 

Phil gives him an intense look. "No." 

Dan takes another drink of his coffee, and finds that he's already finished it. He tosses the paper cup into a recycling bin and then grins back at Phil. "So what are we waiting for?" 

*

"Where are you off to? I thought you didn't work today." 

Dan's mum's voice stills him just before he reaches the door. He half turns and gives her a curious look. "Out?" 

"Out where?" She asks, walking in. She's got dirt smeared on her shirt like she's been in the garden. She spends a lot of time out there. Dan's not sure he'll ever be enough of an adult that watching things grow seems like fun. 

"Just out hanging out with some friends," he lies. 

He's going to Phil's, because Phil texted that his parents just left. 

"Oh." She frowns. "Thought you might want to see a movie or something today." 

A tiny part of him almost says yes. "With you?" 

"Yeah, your brother and I are going to go see the new superhero one. He's been begging for ages." 

"Oh - I already saw it. Phil and I went the other day." He feels less guilty about shooting her down since he has an actual excuse. 

She looks disappointed when she says, "Oh, fine. Will you be home for dinner?" 

It'd be easy to say no to that as well. Even if Phil's parents are back... well, Phil's mum actually cooks most nights, Dan's own mum rarely does. But he doesn't like that he's making her feel bad so he says, "Sure. I'll be home for dinner." 

*

Dan's naked in Phil's bed with the sheets twisted around him. They had sex almost two hours ago but neither of them have gotten up so neither of them have put clothes on. 

He might be addicted to this. Phil's body is pressed up against his, curving them together with bent knees and one arm casually around Dan's waist. Phil's laptop is open in front of Dan and there are youtube videos playing. 

He feels drowsy and comfortable and best of all, safe. He feels like nothing can touch him here - except Phil, because Phil doesn't stop touching him and they're all good touches. 

Especially the kiss to his shoulder. "When do you have to go?" 

"Not for a couple of hours," Dan says. He's already told Phil he's got to be home to eat. 

Phil's fingers dance along his side, pushing the sheet down a bit. "Can I come with you?"

"What?" Dan immediately hates how sharp his voice comes out. It's not that he's unhappy, he's just - surprised. 

"Oh. If you don't want..." Phil withdraws his hand. 

Dan reaches out and grabs it. Maybe it's weird but it feels important. "No, you can, it's cool. Just don't know why you want to. My parents aren't awesome like yours." 

Phil laughs bitterly. "My parents aren't all that awesome, Dan. Not in some ways." 

Dan rolls onto his back. He wants to be able to see Phil's face. "Did something happen?" 

"Just a fight with my dad." Phil shrugs and rolls onto his back too, crossing his hands behind his head and staring at the ceiling. "I feel like he always expect me to do what my brother did and then he gets cross when I don't. Or when I can't." 

Dan tries not to get distracted by how strangely hot the hair under Phil's arms is. He doesn't have a kink for that, he swears. It's just still new that he gets to see all the vulnerable parts of someone else like this. 

Even all the times he's been with Phil before, they never just laid around. 

"He asked why I wasn't trying to meet more people here." Phil sighs. "I know he meant girls." 

"You're not out to them?" Dan asks. 

Phil shakes his head. "I always meant to but I never quite figured out how to say it. And there hasn't really... I mean, I didn't date much at university." 

"You didn't?" Dan can't help but feel like the questions he's asking are dumb, but he really wants to hear the answer to this one. 

Phil opens his eyes and looks at Dan, then shakes his head a little. "Did you think I did? I mean, if I'd had a boyfriend, we wouldn't have... you know." 

"I just didn't know," Dan says. 

"I did some stuff. With a few people. But it wasn't ever like... I dunno. Not like..." Phil trails off. 

Dan really wants to ask him to finish the sentence, but he's terrified of what the rest of it would be. "Oh." 

"Remember the first time we kissed?" Phil asks suddenly. "I didn't mean to do it, but you were looking at me like you really wanted me to." 

"I did," Dan admits. "I don't even know if I knew how much I wanted you to until you actually did it." 

Phil turns to lay on his side so that he's facing Dan. Dan turns his head just so he can see, and find Phil much closer than he'd expected. Phil reaches out and pushes Dan's fringe out of his eyes. "I really wanted to. I couldn't stop staring at you. It was like I left for uni the year before and you were this kid, but I came back and you were all grown up." 

"Taller than you," Dan says, grinning. 

"Yeah." Phil's eyes look a bit heavier now and he stares at Dan's mouth. "I like you being taller than me. It's hot." 

Dan's dick starts to stir, because he's eighteen and sometimes all it takes is a specific type of look.

*

It takes Phil longer to come the second time. 

Dan decides he likes it. He likes taking his time and not being so consumed by his own arousal. 

He likes the sounds Phil makes underneath him as Dan straddles Phil's legs. He likes to wrench out each tortured groan and impatient grunt. He uses his teeth on Phil's nipples because he's realized that's something Phil likes. He uses his mouth and sucks a possessive mark against the lily white of Phil's hip. He kisses wet and open-mouthed at the base while his fist squeezes against the tip, working the foreskin over it in tiny little pulls up and pushes down. 

He nudges until Phil parts his thighs and drops his head down low there. He wants to explore, he wants to fucking _learn_ Phil, he wants to get to know all the secret places in a way no one ever has. 

He doesn't think he has competition. But he wants to make sure he'd win if there were. 

He licks the flat of his tongue over one of Phil's balls, feeling the skin move easily with the lick. There's a thicker smell here, a sharpness to it, and he loves it. It feels intense and intimate and if he hadn't already come twice in the span of two hours he'd probably be hard again just from this. 

He cradles one on his tongue and sucks gently, then realizes he can fit both into his mouth. His hand doesn't stop because he has the brain cells to multitask now, which is more than he can say for Phil - Phil, who has one hand flailing on Dan's shoulder and the other covering his own mouth. 

There's no one home that could hear. Dan reaches up and tugs that hand away at the same time his tongue licks a firm line over the seam of Phil's balls. 

He's not really sure what does it - Dan playing with his balls or Dan's hand wanking him off or maybe even something about knowing Dan wants to hear him, but Phil's entire body goes tense. Dan keeps sucking gently on his mouthful and cups his palm over the tip of Phil's dick so he can keep squeezing. It makes an awful mess against his hand, come oozing out between his fingers and caughter smeared back around Phil's dick, but Phil doesn't seem to care. He's whimpering by the end of it, shuddering hard against the overstimulation. 

Dan pulls his mouth off finally. Phil's face is red and he looks completely gone for it, but he still reaches out for Dan. "You killed me," he croaks. 

Dan holds his messy hand off to the side and leans up enough to kiss Phil so he won't embarrass himself by gloating too much. 

*

"Are you sure you don't mind me coming along?" Phil asks. 

He looks fresh and put together. Dan is none of those things, but he is well rested because he napped in Phil's bed while Phil took a shower. 

He'd told Phil it wasn't necessary but Phil said his mum would murder him if he showed up as a guest in someone else's home looking a mess. 

Dan wonders if maybe Phil is looking to impress them for any certain reason, but he's had the best kind of afternoon imaginable and he's not prepared to play the wicked game of setting himself up for disappointment tonight. 

*

If Phil did have his sights set on charming Dan's family, he mostly manages to do it. He's politer than Dan and he's used to family meal so he knows the right sorts of questions to ask. Dan's mum looks well chuffed when Phil inquires about her day and they end up having a long and somehow almost fun conversation about the Marvel movie she took Adrian to. 

When the meal is over, Phil says, "I guess I should be going now." and Dan tries to tell himself not to sulk. 

* 

He works most of the next few days, and Phil says that's a good thing because he does have to finish his final uni project. 

But instead of the days being spent apart, Phil starts texting Dan every day to ask when his shift ends and showing up. Sometimes he brings a gift of coffee or a milkshake, sometimes they go get food after. 

Phil's bedroom is still a familiar setting, but it becomes as comfortable for Dan to sit across from him at a cafe table as it is to stretch out on his bed. 

The word for what it is they're doing lingers on Dan's tongue with a taste that's sometimes hopeful and sometimes bitter in how it still feels like too much to even wish for. 

*

Dan's not sure how many times he can credit Phil with guiding him through a sexual awakening, but the summer starts hot and they only get hotter as the days crawl by. 

Dan gets bolder and braver and he finds his voice with Phil's coaxing. He's not afraid when he says, "I want you to fuck me." 

He means it. He means it with everything in him. He's familiar with Phil's cock, with the weight of it against his tongue and the fit of it into the palm of his hand. He thinks he could probably be happy with handjobs and blowjobs forever if he didn't know there was that elusive 'more' - if he didn't know how good it can feel, thanks to the clever fingers Phil gives him almost every time now. 

So he says it and he means it and he crackles with joy at how excited Phil is, how Phil's fingers shake with nerves and anticipation while he gets the condom on and smears lube all over himself. Dan just watches that part; he's fascinated by the tight sheath of latex and how hot and weird and adult it feels to watch Phil put it on. 

He's as stretched open as Phil can get him, but it still isn't until he feels the blunt tip pressing against his hole that something in Dan freezes up. "Wait-" he says, voice breaking halfway through. 

Phil stops immediately and stares at Dan, wide eyed. "What?" 

He doesn't ask if Dan's okay, and Dan is stupidly glad for that. Phil's not even in yet, not the tiniest bit, and there's no reason for Dan to freak out. "Nothing," he says, berating himself. "Go again." 

There's another push, just faint pressure. Phil isn't even really trying yet, he's just sort of rubbing himself there, but Dan still winces and his body locks up. 

"Dan-" Phil says, frowning. "You're scared." 

"I'm-" Dan can't lie. "It's stupid. Go ahead." 

Phil leans back, balancing his weight away from Dan. "No," he says softly, rubbing Dan's hip. "We don't have to do this." 

"I want to," Dan insists. He thinks he might actually cry from embarrassment. He doesn't know why the fuck he's like this, why he ruins every good thing-

His mind derails at the press of Phil's lips against his. Phil kisses him deep and strokes Dan's cock, gone mostly soft thanks to his panic. 

"We can do something else," Phil says, and he leans back. "It'll be good, I promise."

"What is it?" Dan asks, butterflies swirling in his stomach. He trusts Phil, he's just - all out of sorts right now. 

Phil reaches for another condom. "You can fuck me." 

*

Being inside Phil is maybe the best thing ever. 

Dan's sure the nerves are the only reason he lasts more than five seconds. He's so hard and Phil is so warm and tight and Dan can't do anything but hold on, hands grasping Phil's hips desperately as Phil rides him. 

Phil looks gorgeous like this. His hair is a mess and his eyes are closed, tongue between his teeth in concentration. Dan can see the line of his jaw and a spot Phil missed shaving and he has to focus all his attention on those things or he really will come. 

"Touch me," Phil says suddenly, grabbing Dan's wrist and guiding it to his cock. 

He isn't all the way hard anymore but he told Dan that might happen. He stiffens up again as Dan strokes him off, even though Dan's coordination is so shot that it's probably the worst handjob in the history of handjobs. 

It still makes Phil grunt in pleasure and that's good enough for Dan. He presses his head back against the pillow and bites his lip so hard he tastes blood faintly. 

It still doesn't help. He whines and tries to push at Phil. "Stop, stop, I'm gonna-" 

"Go ahead," Phil says, grinning widely at him. "Come on, Dan. Come in me. I want you to." 

Dan squirms like he's trying to run away from the feeling, but it's useless. He hears his voice going high and sharp and he's really powerless to stop it. It might be the most intense orgasm he's ever had, and Phil keeps moving on him in a way that makes it feel like it will never end. 

But then it does and he has a moment when Phil slips up and off of him where he almost wants to burst into tears. He doesn't know where the emotion is coming from, he just knows it's there all messy and exploding out of him. He wants to hide and he wants to turn to Phil and he wants, he wants-

Arms around him. Phil's arms, wrapping him up nice and tight, holding Dan like no one's ever held Dan before. Kissing along the side of his face, the corner of his mouth, little pecks of sweetness everywhere Phil can reach. 

Dan holds back just as tight and buries his face in the sweaty crook of Phil's neck. 

* 

Phil leaves a few minutes after that. He says he needs to go to the toilet and clean up a bit. 

Dan hates to let him go but the moment he's alone in the room he's glad for it. His chest still feels heavy and full and it's not a bad feeling but it's so overwhelming that he doesn't know if he can call it good, either. 

Or maybe he can. Maybe this is what feeling good actually is, and he's just never had so much of it all filling him up inside. 

He gets rid of the condom, dropping it into Phil's bin, and then uses a dirty shirt on Phil's floor to wipe his dick off. He doubts Phil will magically find clothes anywhere between the bathroom and his bedroom but Dan still feels too naked, too exposed, so he swipes a green hoodie with York emblazoned on it from Phil's floor and puts it on. 

That's the picture Phil walks back into: Dan standing in the middle of his bedroom wearing only Phil's hoodie that comes down to barely the tops of his thighs. 

Phil stands there for a moment, just staring - and then he tackles Dan to the bed. 

Dan laughs as soon as he gets his breath back. "What the fuck!" 

"Sorry," Phil says, straddling Dan and grabbing the hoodie strings. "Couldn't help it. You looked too cute." 

Dan turns his head again, smiling so hard his face hurts. "Shut up." 

"I'll shut up when you stop being so damn pretty." Phil rolls off of him, but immediately holds an arm out. "Come on, cuddle me." 

"Why should I?" Dan grumbles, even as he complies. 

"Because." Phil kisses him firmly on the cheek once he's got Dan snuggled into place. "I'm the nicest person ever, annnnd... I'm gonna let you pick the movie."

Dan rests his head on Phil's shoulder. "Just for the record, I'm only doing it for the movie." 

Phil laughs and squeezes the arm he's got around Dan. 

Yeah, Dan thinks. It's definitely good.

*

Phil goes to Manchester for the weekend, and it's the first time Dan's gone two days without seeing him in over a month. 

He's not sure what to do with himself. Phil still texts him every few hours, not really conversations but random pictures and things he wants to share. 

It's nice, and Dan's determined not to mope. Phil isn't moping, after all; Dan sees how much fun Phil's having in his facebook posts. 

A lot of fun. 

With a lot of people. 

People who press their faces right up against his in photos. There's a girl, dainty and blonde, on his lap. A guy with his arm slung around Phil. A picture someone else tags Phil in, of Phil asleep face down on someone's bed. 

It makes Dan's gut churn in a truly unpleasant way. It reminds him that he and Phil, they haven't set any boundaries on this. If Phil met someone in Manchester, or reconnected with someone he used to know, Dan wouldn't be able to argue it. 

He could try, maybe. But Phil doesn't owe him anything. He doesn't have any claim on Phil. And maybe there are people in Manchester that do.

It’s weird, Dan realizes, that the place that holds this future Dan’s doing everything not to think about is the place that holds Phil’s past. Not exactly, but - close enough. And Phil says most of his friends have moved to the city to get jobs. 

Phil's a nice guy. He probably wouldn't _try_ to hurt Dan. But - he's a nice guy. And surely everyone else sees that, too? Surely everyone wants to be the reason Phil smiles that big open smile he gets sometimes, when he gets to hide it behind his hand? Surely everyone wants sleepy kisses with Phil after they've napped together? 

Dan decides he can't spend the night moping in bed, so he picks up his phone and starts texting his mates to see who wants to hang out. 

* 

He suffers through a Sunday at work with a splitting head and a queasy stomach. 

It's not his first hungover shift, but it is his first in a while and it's a double. For all the sordid things he and Phil get up to, drinking doesn't tend to be one of them. There was the party weeks ago, and Phil's parents offering up wine with dinner sometimes when Dan eats there... 

But nothing like the rush of shots and booze and lukewarm beer that clouded over Dan's memories of his Saturday night. 

Phil starts texting him mid morning, asking how Dan is doing. It doesn't make Dan's head or his stomach feel any better... until he gets the text from Phil that he's on the train back home. 

*

_wanna come over?_

Dan's finally feeling almost human, enough to have had dinner on the sofa with his mum and watched a couple hours of television. 

It's a half mile walk to Phil's house. He doesn't actually feel like moving. He's tired from only a few hours of sleep the night before, and he's sure he'll feel even less like the walk when he has to come back home. 

But he thinks of a picture of Phil, clearly drunk and with a guy on his back, someone else's arms around Phil's neck, chin resting on top of Phil's head. 

He slides his trainers on and then texts back, _omw_. 

*

Phil is waiting at the door for Dan, and pulls him inside for a kiss that's surprisingly slow and deep for the fact that Dan can hear the television on in the lounge. 

Phil's family must be home and Phil doesn't usually take risks like this. "I missed you," he he says when he pulls back. "You should come with me next time."

Dan lets the words warm away his anxiety. "Yeah," he says, chancing another quick kiss back. "And - me, too." 

"Oh, you missed you, too?" Phil teases. 

"Shut up." Dan shoves at him. 

"Shut me up," Phil says, and backsteps away. He almost trips over a shoe and Dan has to reach forward to grab him, laughing as he does it. 

*

They don't actually fool around, and it makes Dan wonder why Phil even invited him over. 

Not in a bad way, though. It's just that Phil seems tired too, fighting yawns after only an episode of something on tv. 

They're both laying on the bed. Dan's got his head on Phil's shoulder. He thinks he might like it the other way around, too. He might like to be the one holding Phil some time. 

But right now this is cozy. "Did you actually miss me, though?" Dan asks, voice small. 

"Yeah," Phil says. He sounds sleepy and his hand rubs circles over Dan's back. "Did you miss me?" 

"Yeah," Dan says. All his worry seems stupid now. 

"You'd like Manchester," Phil says. 

"Would I?" Dan's heart starts to race. This feels like a moment, and not one he's ready for. His whole summer has been centered around pretending life after the end of July just doesn't exist. 

Phil hasn't asked Dan about his uni plans, either. Dan's still not sure what to make of that. But this is an opening. It would make perfect sense for Dan to say the words now, to tell Phil that's where he'll be in another month. 

“You would,” Phil says. “It’s great there. Seriously, you should visit some time.”

It’d probably even make Phil happy. He might say something about how he can come see Dan when he's visiting his friends there. 

Just thinking it makes Dan wants to cry, and that overwhelming burn in the back of his throat keeps the words at bay. 

"Yeah," he says instead. "I might." 

*

A summer storm shows up out of nowhere on one of the days Dan's gone straight to Phil's from work. The bottom drops just after the sun has set, with booms of thunder so loud Dan feels like the house should be shaking and lightning so bright it lights up the entire street with a flash of white. 

It's not supposed to clear until close to midnight. Phil's mum has already told Dan that he can stay over, and Dan's rung his parents to let them know. 

"I hate storms," he mumbles, after the third time he knows Phil's caught him jumping at the sounds of the weather raging outside. 

"Aw," Phil says, wrapping both arms around Dan from the side. "I'll keep you safe." 

"Idiot," Dan says, trying to nudge away. 

He's actually angry that he's so distracted on one of the rare nights he gets to spend in Phil's bed. He knows Phil can tell he's actually out of sorts because Phil doesn't even try to fool around, he just puts the television on and sits by Dan with their shoulders touching. They talk mostly about the show and a little about Dan's day at work and just the cadence of the conversation calms Dan's anxious heart. 

* 

Phil locks his bedroom door before they go to bed. Dan feels strange and adult as he steps out of his borrowed pajama bottoms and crawls under the covers with another boy - another man. 

But it's nice, too. It's the kind of thing that he knows he wants to remember forever, the way Phil smiles and kisses him up close, the way he finally gets his chance to be the one holding Phil. Phil doesn't even complain about it, just makes a contented noise and burrows down. 

The storm keeps Dan up for a while, but even with the sounds that normally terrorize him it's the nicest not-sleep he thinks he's ever had. 

*

His downfall comes in the middle of a bright, sunny afternoon, and he doesn't see it coming at all. 

"I'll bet you’re ready to see the end of summer, aren't you?" Phil's mum asks, cheerfully unloading groceries. 

Dan and Phil stuck around to help her carry the bags in, because they're polite young men like that. At least, Phil is, and sometimes he's a good influence on Dan. 

It might have been better for both of them if he weren't. 

He doesn't ask her why. 

But Phil does. "Why?" He says, looking over at Dan. 

Dan's heart starts to pound immediately.

"Your gran told me all about your unconditional!" Kath beams at him. 

"To university?" Phil asks. His voice has gone all strange and quiet. "Where are you going?" 

"Oh, did I ruin the surprise?" Kath makes a soft tsking noise under her tongue. 

Phil is still just staring at Dan. 

"Yeah," Dan says, forcing the words out. "Didn't I mention it?" 

It's strange how this is something he thought he'd be excited about. Because he can tell from one look at Phil's face that whatever's going on between them means something to Phil, the kind of thing Dan's hoped and dreamt it meant to him. He can tell because Phil looks fucking... gutted. 

"You didn't," Phil says, turning around quickly. Dan watches how Phil's hands shake as he puts a tin of beets in the cabinet. He's not even putting it in the right spot, just shoving it in between some coffee mugs. 

"Phil," Dan says. He's absolutely positive he's going to cry. Or maybe Phil will. He's not sure who's going to break first. 

"I'm going to go start the wash," Kathryn says. 

There's still a bag of pantry items to be unpacked, so she must not be that oblivious to something being off between them. Dan will be humiliated about the transparency of that later. "Phil," he says again, urgently this time. "Can we go to your room?" 

Phil turns around. His eyes are wet. "Yeah," he says. 

* 

Phil sits on the bed right away and scoots all the water over to the wall, his back against it. "Why didn't you tell me you were going to uni?" 

Dan shrugs. He stays standing. "You never asked. You knew I was on a gap year, though." 

"Yeah, I just..." Phil's voice fades off. He grabs a pillow and pulls it over his lap, then immediately starts tugging at a corner of it. "I guess I thought maybe you'd decided not to go and it was a sore spot." 

"I'm going to study law," Dan says. "I already hate it." 

Phil looks up. "Then why are you going?" 

Dan shrugs. "Because everyone expects me to." He's not sure he's ever felt so awful in his whole life. 

"You're the only reason I like it here," Phil says. "I don't want to be here if you aren't here." 

"I didn't even know you were going to come back." Dan rubs his hands over his face. "Fuck. I hate this." 

"Dan..." Phil sighs, and puts the pillow aside. "Come here." 

Dan goes instantly, crawling over the bed and planting himself beside Phil. He holds on tight, blatantly clinging, and buries his face in Phil's shoulder. "Please don't hate me." 

When Phil answers, he still sounds distant. “I just don’t know why you didn’t tell me.” 

“I just didn’t know how. I felt like if I did you’d realize you were just wasting your time or something. Like if I just didn’t say it then it didn’t exist and we could keep doing what we were doing. I know it was stupid, I’m so fucking stupid. I’m a coward. I’m-” 

“Dan.” Phil cuts him off. “Saying mean things about yourself won’t make it any better.” 

“Right.” Dan swallows down the shame. 

“I feel stupid.” Phil sighs. “I thought at the start of summer that you might have university plans, and you’d tell me. But you never said anything, and it seemed like we were… something.” 

“We are something.” Dan clenches his fingers into Phil’s shirt. “I think. I hope. Unless I fucked up so bad you really do hate me.”

"I couldn't," Phil says, fingers sinking into Dan's hair. He kisses the side of Dan's head and then whispers, voice right up close to Dan's ear, "I think I love you, actually. That’s why this sucks so much." 

And that's Dan's breaking point. 

* 

Phil starts kissing him - maybe just to get him to stop crying, Dan isn’t really sure. But once Phil starts Dan doesn’t want him to stop. 

Fuck uni. Fuck this whole mess. He just wants to stay here in this bed with Phil forever. He’s bursting with energy and it feels awful and sickening and like he’s going to run right out of his skin at the same time as never wanting to move and he doesn’t know how to fix it he just - he wants something. 

Phil loves him. Phil loves him. 

And Dan loves him right back, and he hates that love can feel just as bad as it does good. 

“Phil,” he says, lips moving wet and messy against Phil’s. 

Phil looks glazed over when he pulls back. His eyes are a little red too, and his lips are darker than they normally are, and at least they’re both feeling the same way. Dan thinks they are, at least. 

“Yeah?” Phil finally asks. “Do you need to go?” 

Dan shakes his head. “Fuck no. I want - something else.” 

“What?” Phil asks, urgency in his voice. “Anything.” 

Dan has to kiss him again for that. “You.” 

“You have me-” Phil starts to say, but Dan pushes him back against the bed and then hovers over him. 

Phil’s eyes are big and blue and it feels like they’re staring right into the nervous, hammering heart of Dan as Dan says, “I want you in me.”

“What?” Phil asks. He swallows hard and Dan can see it in the bob of his adam’s apple. “Dan-” 

“Please,” Dan says. “Don’t ask me if I’m sure. I am. I want you, like, in all the ways. I love you and I want to have sex with you that way. 

Phil’s hands grab at his arms, fingers flexing with their firm grasp. “Dan-” 

“You said that already,” Dan whispers. His momentary boldness is starting to fade. If Phil says no, if he really says no, Dan’s not sure what he’ll do. He’s not sure how he’ll gather himself to walk out of here. 

“Yeah,” Phil says, sitting up. He mashes his mouth against Dan’s clumsily and smiles and says it again: “Yeah.” 

*

Dan’s on his back on Phil’s bed staring up at the ceiling - no picture of Buffy up there anymore, and Dan’s glad because he’s not sure Sarah Michelle Gellar is who he really wants to be thinking of the moment Phil pushes inside. 

It feels - weird. Good. Weird and good, and overwhelming, not because of the fact that there’s a dick in him but because it’s Phil. 

Because Phil’s doing this with him. Phil’s covering his face and neck and shoulder in kisses. Phil’s telling him how gorgeous he is and he’s saying how good it feels in the most deliciously desperate kind of voice. He’s trying to joke, to laugh and play off how he might come too fast, but Dan doesn’t care. 

Phil could come right now and he thinks his heart would still feel stupidly full. He wraps his arms around Phil’s neck and relishes the way Phil’s chest feels pressed all bare skin and warmth and sweat against Dan’s. Phil’s barely moving, barely rocking into his body, and it’s stopped hurting now and it feels good - Dan likes this, he thinks, and he’ll probably like the physical parts more next time but right now feels like something more than interlocking body parts. Right now feels like - his nails on the skin of Phil’s back, and a pounding heart, and a stomach queasy with emotion. 

“I love you,” he says, and he likes the taste of the words so he just starts repeating them over and over and over again. 

Phil comes gasping it back. 

*

Phil wanks him off after. The orgasm is nice but the way Phil kisses him so sweetly and cleans the come up off his stomach and then holds onto Dan like he’s never letting go is even better. 

Dan’s ass feels kind of sticky and sore and he feels like they’ve drenched Phil’s sheets in all sorts of filthy things and he doesn’t want to move, not fucking ever. 

Dan starts to cry again.

*

He cries for a little while, and Phil just lets him. When he finally does talk, his voice sounds snotty and he's sure he's made Phil's shirt all gross. "I can't believe I have a boyfriend and I have to leave him in like three weeks." 

Phil laughs again. His chest is still a little red from what they’ve just done and he sounds like he feels too full of feelings too, like they’re leaking out of his voice in ways he doesn’t mean for them to. "I can't believe you just called me your boyfriend." 

Anxiety worms it’s way in. "Is that-” Dan starts, hoping he hasn’t gotten this horribly wrong all over again. “Are you not-" 

"No, hush," Phil says, kissing Dan. "I want it. Like, a lot.”

“Fuck,” Dan says. “Yeah. Me too.” 

“I’ve always wanted it,” Phil whispers. 

Another tear leaks out. “Me too.” 

“Dan…” Phil sighs. “Do you know. I kind of... I guess I thought that's what we were already doing, and we just weren't talking about it?" 

“Oh.” Dan really is an idiot, he thinks. “I didn’t. I just… wanted to. Like, a fucking lot.” 

"I wish we had talked now," Phil says, wistfully. 

“I wish a lot of things,” Dan says. He buries his face in Phil’s shoulder, like maybe he can just will the rest of the world and all his regrets to disappear if he gets close enough. 

Phil starts to play with his hair. It feels so nice Dan could cry… if he weren’t already. 

“Well,” Phil says, in that voice that tells Dan he’s just trying to make the best of something that isn’t very good at all. “I guess now I'll just have to find a job so I can afford train tickets.” 

“You’ll visit me?” Dan asks in a small voice. 

“Of course.” Phil squeezes Dan with the arm he’s still got around him. “Where am I visiting you at?” 

“Oh.” Dan realizes he hasn’t even said yet. “I only got one unconditional offer, but at least you’ll like this part. It was Manchester.”

Phil's face goes weird and shocked. "What?" 

“I almost told you after you came back from visiting. I should have. Phil, I’m so fucking sorry for being a coward about all of this-”

"Dan." Phil interrupts him in a high, urgent voice. 

"What?" Dan gets the feeling there's something he's missing. 

"I'm..." Phil's hands flail up. "When I told you I thought you'd like Manchester, I was saying it because - because I was hoping you might want to come visit me there."

"What?" Dan asks. He pulls away a bit, because he’s not sure if that’s a good or a bad thing and his heart feels too bruised all over to take much more of a shock. 

"I hadn't actually decided... I mean, to be honest, if you were going to be in Wokingham I was already going to say no, I'd already... I just didn't want to leave you when things were so good... but when I went to visit my best friend Ian, he asked me - he's got a girlfriend, but she still has a year left and she doesn't want to leave her accomodations early-" 

Dan interrupts him. "Slow down," he says. "You're talking too fast and I can't understand you." 

Phil takes a breath. "My best friend Ian and his girlfriend are going to live apart for a year while she's finishing uni, but he doesn't want to stay with his parents. So he asked me if I wanted to move to the city with him and get a place together. But - Dan, I was going to tell him no, because-"

"Because of me." Dan feels an overload of warmth all over, radiating out from that place in his chest. He could cry again, but in the nice way this time. "So now you'll tell him yes, because-" 

"Because of you." Phil beams. 

"Only if you want to," Dan quickly adds. 

"All my friends are there," Phil says. "The whole time I was growing up, going away for uni then living in Manchester was my whole plan. It only changed when my parents moved here a few years ago. So yeah, I want to."

"Fuck," Dan murmurs. He's not sure he's ever run the gamut of extreme emotions so completely from one end to the other in one night. 

Phil covers his mouth, but then laughs just as loudly when Dan tackles him and lays right on top of him and kisses him sloppily. His hands come up to frame Dan's face and the kiss slows and starts to turn into something more, something deeper. 

"Hey," Phil says, pulling away breathlessly. "Are we gonna do this? Are we crazy?" 

That warm feeling just isn't going away. "Yeah," Dan says, an answer to both. “I think we are.”

*

“You have too much stuff,” Dan says to Phil, already sweating from loading up the car with both of their things. 

He knows this isn’t even half of Phil’s belongings. Phil’s parents will be coming up to Manchester separately in a few day’s time with the rest of it. But it’s only been three weeks since they’ve been an official something, and neither of them wanted to spend those few days apart. They’re in a stupid honeymoon phase and Dan doesn’t even fucking care. 

Besides, what they have crammed into Dan’s car (and some more in the boot of Dan’s parents driving ahead of them) is enough to get them started now - Phil in the two bedroom flat his parents are helping him pay rent on and Dan at what he’s sure will be a bleak university accommodation. 

He wants to stay at Phil’s as soon as he can, but Phil’s going to talk to Ian first. Dan knows he’s nervous because they’ve spent ages discussing it. The whole world doesn’t need to know they’re together, not until they’re both comfortable with it. But Phil wants to know they can be themselves and be together in his own home, and he already trusts Ian. 

So Dan will give them a couple of days and he’ll make his own half-hearted attempt at getting to know the people in his halls, just like Phil says he should, and then… the future looms large in front of them, full of possibility and lots of sex with no one to tell Dan it’s time to go home. 

“What are you grinning at?” Phil asks, reaching over to poke one of Dan’s dimples. He can hardly sit still, but for once Dan understands that entirely. 

He pretends to bite at Phil’s finger. “Nothing. You.” 

“Me?” Phil sounds so, so pleased. 

“Yeah, but don’t get a big head about it,” Dan warns. “Maybe I was thinking how nice it’s gonna be to eat all your food.” 

“You’d have to beat me to it,” Phil points out. “And I don’t think you can.” 

“Is that a challenge? I love a challenge.” 

“I know you do.” Phil’s laugh is low and soft and makes Dan feel all the warm things. 

Dan feels something against his thigh and looks down to see Phil’s hand resting there. He reaches down and laces their fingers together, squeezing. “What’s that for?” 

“No reason,” Phil says. “I’m just… happy.” 

“Yeah,” Dan says, feeling like his heart could burst. He risks taking his eyes off the road for a few more seconds to look over at Phil and smile. “Me too.”

**Author's Note:**

> [read and reblog on tumblr](https://alittledizzy.tumblr.com/post/185107815460/pretend-youre-mine-explicit-139k-dan-and-phil)


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